Author Archives: Wendy Jones

I used to really struggle with insecurities surrounding the fact that I don’t drive. In a culture that views driving as a necessity as well as a ride of passage into adulthood, I found myself feeling inadequate. Why do I still struggle with driving- related trauma in my thirties?

I don’t believe anymore that there is one singular point that leads to maturity and I certainly have seen my fair share of “adults” that have a DL and lack maturity. For me, a big point of maturity in my life was learning to take public transit all on my own. I forced myself to learn the routes I needed to get to and from work everyday. I was always on time, always reliable. I set my own alarm every morning, sometimes getting up as early as 4am, to walk in the rain, wind and cold in the dark, to the bus stop for several years. I recalled the street smarts my parents taught me and learned to trust my instincts. I’ve seen some pretty rough things including an active shooting one time as I was coming home as well as a person that was on stimulants trying to rip the windshield wipers off of a city bus on my way to work.

Maturity for me, was leaving a toxic relationship with a guy I was with for two years and asking for guidance and counsel along the way. Maturity for me, has been applying to university to finish my education as a 30 something adult and adapting to working and online classes simultaneously. Maturity for me, is knowing what I have on my plate and learning how to set boundaries so I don’t spread myself too thin. Maturity for me, is taking control of my health and advocating for myself with referrals even though it makes me anxious and nauseous.

There will be times I still feel inadequate about not being able to drive at this time in my life, but am a capable adult in my own right because I’ve learned to not give up even when it’s hard and to make the most out of what I have right now. I am proud of myself.

Music has always played so many important roles in my life. I feel like God has specifically used music as a vehicle of change by using it to speak to me directly.

One of those moments for me was starting in 2021 when I first stumbled upon this song on YouTube. I found myself drawn to this song and not knowing why. The words became prophetic in my personal life in the trial I was beginning to descend into. I remember seeing the image of a dark tunnel ahead in my path. My journey out of a toxic relationship that I wasn’t strong enough on my own to leave.

God truly became my strength and sanity when I was struggling with a storm whirling around me. Listening to gospel music on my commute to work on public transit became my sanctuary of peace.

When my worries about the future would overwhelm me at night, I found myself quoting the scripture in Psalm 30:5, “Weeping may last through the night but joy comes in the morning…”

Every song God brought me became a piece of God’s words He spoke into me and through me. Finally, the wall I thought was too high for me to climb, God revealed to me that it had to break. I had a breakthrough.

God took me to the deep places. His grace sustained and upheld me in the darkness. Even in the midst of an anxiety attack and a panic attack, God held me. The beauty of the deep places is how quiet it is. There’s no distractions because it was just God and I. It was in the deep places that God gave me His supernatural strength to leave what was not for me so I could find better.

6 months after I left my toxic relationship, I applied to university and got accepted the following semester at Calstate . When I was with my ex, he’d constantly belittle me and put me down until I began to be a shadow of myself. i didn’t think I was good enough or strong enough to go back as an adult to school.

Leaving that relationship, I felt like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. I felt like Maleficent when she got her wings back. I felt my wings unfurl as the sun for the first time touches them. To breathe, to live, to thrive to me is being free to be myself. All the things I thought were weird like my love for insects and arachnids or my passion for children are part of the beautiful tapestry that make me beautiful. Some days, I struggle to see it, but the truth doesn’t depend on my feelings. Whew.

God has always pursued me and chased after me through music. I don’t fully understand why He uses music as His vessel to speak over me and to me but it is forever a part of my testimony. It inspires my poetry everyday and helps keep me grounded in so many ways. My first language I can’t explain.

I was reading a Reddit thread about the time people knew it was best to leave their toxic relationship.

I’ve told my story before about my relationship turned “situationship”.

I stayed way too long because I had low self-esteem. I went from the lovebombing phase of overwhelming compliments and affection and “I want to marry you“ to constant criticism and verbal and emotional abuse. I felt like I was playing a game where the goal post was constantly moving further and further away.

Til one night, I had a moment similar to Samual in the Bible. In the middle of the night, I’ll never forget, I had my first moment of crystal clear clarity and insight. 6-9 months later, God finally got my attention for good and I had the supernatural courage and strength to break up with my ex and leave him. I’ve never looked back and I feel like this was one of my proudest moments because I found my voice and stood up for myself instead of being afraid.

Even though I struggle to see my own self-worth at times, that day, 2 years ago, I saw a glimpse of myself that God has always seen. I left a situation where the person I loved and wanted to be beautiful for didn’t see me as beautiful, but God saw my worth and my value that day and has continued to remind me of it everyday since.

The enemy has been trying to stop me from writing this because he knows that my words have power to heal others. When we allow Satan to tell us that we are all alone and no one will understand us and what we’re going though, we give him power to discourage us from blessing others. Your story matters.

Dear God, I pray that my story finds itself in the hands of exactly who needs to read this. Amen.

How do you explain to others how self-confidence or lack thereof affects how you date or don’t date? From the time of my mid-teen years, I felt a disconnect from the crushes I had and the way I viewed myself. In my mind, I was below average in the looks department, why? Because my skin wasn’t perfect or because the popular girls made me feel inadequate. I’m not sure to this day when those negative voices of self-doubt first arose. I always felt like I was the shy, socially awkward girl that guys ignored. The image I saw of myself in my head was of this demi-adult woman, so to speak, who was an imposter trying to play dress up with clothes that were too big.

As a woman, how can you be expected to even approach a guy you like, in any setting, if you’ve already decided in your mind that the odds are stacked against you?! So you carry yourself as such. You move with timidness and try to be as small as possible. You don’t much care for spotlights because you’re afraid everyone will see what you see in yourself. You become your own bully. Cruel , unkind and untrue words, once whispers, have now grown so loud that they’re all you can hear now.

And then one night, you’re suddenly awakened by someone or something. He says, “who are you to decide your worthiness?! Did I not knit you together in your mother’s womb?! Are you not fearfully and wonderfully made?! Who are you to steal someone’s opportunity to be blessed by you and to bless you?! The very breath in your lungs and the beating of your heart is a reminder that you are in fact, made with purpose and worthy not worthless.” If I saw a girl saying the things that I’ve allowed Satan to say to me, I know I couldn’t be silent. So why it is any different when it’s me?

Here’s what it boils down to:

How can I say to a young girl that she is worthy of love and respect and then turn around and allow Satan to tell me I’m worthless and unloveable and believe it? I’m a hypocrite if I do.

Background:

I was scrolling through Instagram a month ago and stumbled upon an ad for the skincare company, Bambu Earth. I decided to take their skin quiz because why not where afterwards I was given product recommendations based on my skin concerns.

I decided to order the mini kit as pictured below:

Now to my review:

1. The Cleansing Oil

The smell reminded me of a fancy spa in Beverly Hills, which I liked, but this felt like a facial oil rather than a cleansing oil due to the thick texture.

2. The Cleanser

This didn’t feel like cleanser at all but rather like a lightweight toner. I wish the rose water smell was stronger, personally.

3. The Toner

Felt like I was putting kombucha on my face. Not a fan.

4. The Facial Mist

Just okay. The scent was pleasant but nothing memorable to me personally.

5. The Serum

I actually really enjoyed the texture and smell here. Might actually purchase the full size version. Hydrating without being super oily or feeling heavy on the skin. My skin is Combination.

Sometime in 2020 was the first time I heard the term, “breadcrumbing” but I didn’t know what it really meant until I started healing and thus peeling back the layers of a toxic relationship of my own from February 2020-April 2022.

An outline of my story starting in 2007:

You know those Facebook memories that pop up ever so often from years ago? One just popped up today from exactly a year ago that put a lump in my throat.

To understand what a tremendous blessing it is, I need take you back to April 2022. What started out as sadness with my grandparents passing in Spring of 2022 turned into one of the greatest gifts that I’ll cherish forever. A part of me walks the campus of university with my grandparents’ blessing. Their last parting gift to me was the opportunity to return to my studies and finish my degree.

I don’t put much weight on signs but sometimes you just know someone is sending you a sign that they are with you. After my grandparents passed, my family went to clean out their apartment. My grandpa always had this tradition of offering Hersheys Kisses when ever we came to see him. As we were clearing out everything, there in the middle of the floor was a single Kiss. I immediately knew my grandpa was with me. I can count on one hand the times I’ve felt my grandpa’s presence since he passed, but that was the first time. The second time was during the 3rd week of classes of Spring 2023 semester. I was sitting down outside one of my classes and there it was on a table next to me. A single Hershey Kiss in a silver wrapper. I knew grandpa was there. I felt his presence and knew that he saw me in someway, shape or form.

Something I didn’t really share outside of, really my immediate family, up until recently was my struggle with binge eating/emotional eating. The first time I remember binge eating was about 12 years ago. During that time, I experienced a major shift in my life after moving back home from university due to finances. I was depressed and began turning to food for comfort and slowly my weight creeped up.

Then in 2019, I started dating a guy who would be my ex in a couple years. My binge eating slowly returned as the emotional and mental abuse began. The majority of the abuse revolved around him telling me on a regular basis that I wasn’t pretty unless I was slim. It got to the point where he’d ask me every time we’d get together how much I weighed and if I’d lost any weight. If he wasn’t satisfied with my response, he’d show less affection to me. I felt like I was a specimen under a microscope being dissected. My weight and body became a point of constant focus and tension which only fueled my eating disorder again . I’d come home with tension headaches and the food seemed to temporarily dull the pain.

I still struggle with insecurity about my body. I don’t always like the person I see in the mirror. This year, I’m continuing to take my power back. This time, I’m not losing weight for anyone else but myself. I want this for a number of reasons, none of which include external validation. 1. I want to optimize my overall health. 2. Excess weight can actually negatively impact my swollen optic nerve situation. This time, I’m doing it for me and that’s all!

Last year, I’ll never forget, I was at church and the person preaching was talking about authentic gratitude. She explained how gratitude without expression is just empty. Gratitude without action is empty. She went on to explain what a posture of gratitude looks like. At one point in the sermon, she had everyone who could get down on their knees and thank God. Tears were streaming down my face as I felt the gravity of that exercise and what it meant in my life.

As I knelt there, I thanked God for so many things. A song by Elevation Worship came into my mind and I began to sing it to God. The words perfectly conveyed my heart to Him:

“I call You faithful
For the promises You’ve kept
And every need You’ve met
Lord, I’m so grateful
You were with me every step
And I never will forget

When I think of how You’ve blessed me
How Your hand has never let me go
Never let me go

You have been so good to me
God, I can’t believe how You love me
What a friend You have been
So good to me”

But what good is gratitude if as soon as something uncertain or scary happens, I go back to worry and unbelief?! What is more authentic than gratitude when it just doesn’t make sense?! Gratitude is the opposite of worry. When I am praising God on my knees, there’s just no room for worry. When I’m knelt in a posture of thanksgiving, I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t stand. That’s where I want to be. Authentically praising God and thanking Him even when the answers are unclear. Praising God in ADVANCE for the needs He will meet. Praising God in ADVANCE because I know He holds my future.